I hate not having my best friend... Distance may physically separate us but that's all. Its killing me... You re the only person THERE. Everyone else leaves. They all make me feel special and wanted until I eventually depend on them and they completely change my lifestyle. Then they leave and throw me away like I meant nothing. You know the drill so anyway I miss you unconditionally and you probably wont even read this but I cant hold it in any longer!!! I hate my dad for keeping me here in Pittsburgh instead of letting me live with you and mom in Daytona... I remember when we were craving pickles you, me, and Emma and then you told me to drink the pickle juice. Then you decided it was a good idea to make me laugh so I spit it all over you lol. I'll remember you're reaction till the day I die. "ZOEYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!" hahahaha... I remember when we were making popcorn and the bowls were too small so I jumped on the counter and got a GINORMOUS bowl and on the way down I jumped into your arms. It was like a slow motion kind of fall hahaha... Or when I was cooking dinner in my bra cause, as you know, I hate clothes and you thought it was a good idea to take it and throw it outside my apartment and down the stairs!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I had to go outside naked and get it lol... ***sighhhhhh*** We have so many memories. We spent weeks straight together. This list of memories could go on for HOURS... The point is I miss you more than I've ever missed anyone before and love you beyond words. I'll be home soon...
Across the ocean, across the sea,
Starting to forget the way you look at me now
Over the mountains, across the sky,
Need to see your face, I need to look in your eyes

Through the storm and through the clouds
Bumps on the road and upside down now
I know it's hard, babe, to sleep at night
Don't you worry
'cause everything's gonna be alright, ai-ai-ai-aight
Be alright, ai-ai-ai-aight

Through the sorrow, and the fights,
Don't you worry
'cause everything's gonna be alright, ai-ai-ai-aight
Be alright, ai-ai-ai-aight

All alone, in my room
Waiting for your phone call to come soon
And for you, oh, I would walk a thousand miles,
To be in your arms, holding my heart

Oh, I,
Oh, I,
I love you
And everything's gonna be alright, ai-ai-ai-aight
Be alright, ai-ai-ai-aight

Through the long nights
And the bright lights
Don't you worry
'cause everything's gonna be alright, ai-ai-ai-aight
Be alright, ai-ai-ai-aight

You know that I care for you
I'll always be there for you
I promise I will stay right here, yeah

I know that you want me too,
Baby we can make it through anything
'Cause everything's gonna be alright, ai-ai-ai-aight
Be alright, ai-ai-ai-aight

Through the sorrow, and the fights,
Don't you worry
'cause everything's gonna be alright, ai-ai-ai-aight
Be alright, ai-ai-ai-aight

Through the sorrow, and the fights,
Don't you worry
Everything's gonna be alright

-Justin beiber
"Be Alright"
I'd like to think so...
I want you to know, that I am happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theater?
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby?
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

'Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you
To be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me
You'd hold me until you died
'Til you died, but you're still alive

And I'm here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face
How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

'Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you
To be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me
You'd hold me until you died
'Til you died, but you're still alive

And I'm here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

'Cause the joke that you laid in the bed
That was me and I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes, and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails
Down someone else's back I hope you feel it
Well, can you feel it?

And I'm here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

-Alanis Morissette
"You Oughta Know"
I just want to be GONE... I hate pretending like i'm ok. Like nothing is wrong. I hate always being the one everyone wants me to be... They say enjoy being a kid. It's crap. You dont know what that kid s going through. You have no say in anything. You have to be what they make you when youre young. You have to worry about "fitting in". You have to worry about rumors, what people think, what they say. Being a kid isnt easy. Especially for certain ones. Stop saying things are so easy for us... I want to die but I would never EVER have the guts to kill myself. In ten years itll be all over and none of that will matter and i know it but for some reason i still think about it...
I just want you to hold me in your warm, muscular arms just one more time like you did for 8 months. I want you 1 last time. Please. I miss your smile. I miss your perfectly, retarded laugh and the way your nose got all scrunched up. I miss falling asleep hearing you breathe and hearing you swallow. I miss making fun of you for having to take liquid medice because you couldnt swallow pills. I miss it when there would be a girl staring at you, you would grab my hand and kiss me. I miss your voice. I miss my life, my world, my best friend, my soulmate. I miss you. I miss me. I dont know who I am anymore. I dont know what to do with my life. This is killing me. Its tearing me apart. We were like a movie. Whyd you let it all go??? We were perfect. I loved you so so so much. You made me feel like I was the WORLD, like you couldnt live without me. Then, then you threw me away like I meant nothing. I was so "special" you were able to find someone within 4 hours after I was gone. I hope youre happy. I hope shes everything you wanted but sometimes I wish you were miserable without me as terrible as it sounds. I wish you needed me. I wish you wanted and still loved me but I know you dont. At times, I wonder if you ever did or if all that was just part of a game too. Im sorry I wasnt good enough. Im sorry I couldnt make you happy. Im sorry I wasnt everything you needed. Im sorry im ME. Without you, im nobody. I have to find myself all over again. You were such a part of my daily life that once you were gone I didnt know what to do with myself. You will NEVER understand how much this hurts and I hope you never have to. You promised... You promised...

Forever...

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Zoey T McCarthy

February 2016

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